As I write this, I am raw with emotion. Instead of crying and cursing, I find the only way for me express myself is through writing. Writing this will hopefully become the outlet for me to help myself and my family through what has happened.
Our one barn burned to the ground tonight taking our entire herd of dairy goats, meat goats and my youngin’s rabbits. All the 4H project animals were in the barn as well as many material items that can be replaced, but it just makes me angry that they are gone. The lean to addition to the barn contained our skid steer, air compressor and many other mechanical things needed on a farm. It’s where we stored our irrigation hoses. Oh, the irony of that.
The skid steer was the very first piece of equipment that my husband and I purchased for the farm. We bought it used 14 years ago and use it practically every day on the farm. We will be lost without it. We won’t even be able to clean up the mess without it.
Of all the things that we lost, the item that makes me so sad is a little red wagon that my daddy made for my second son when he was two years old. My daddy found all the discarded wheels at the junkyard, used lumber from the farm and made him the cutest, little wagon. He painted it bright red and yellow and my son loved his wagon. He used to pull it around everywhere. We used to put a carseat in it and hauled both his two younger siblings around in it. Over the years, my son has used it to ride down the hills around our farm. He would pile all his siblings with him and go like crazy down the hills with no true steering or thought of how they could get hurt. Just last summer, they ended up in a creek with the wagon overturned, youngin’s spilled everywhere, laughing and rolling around in the creek. And back up the hill, all the youngin’s went pulling the wagon to do it again. The wagon was stored in the barn because my son used it to haul haybales to take care of the goats. Since he received the wagon, I know he has used it everyday of his life.
I’m so mad about that wagon.
I am so angry about everything. It hurts. It is gutwrenching and painful. I wish this lump in my throat would ease up. I’m done with cursing, I’m finished with crying and I’m so tired, I just want to go to sleep, but my thoughts will not allow me. Why? Why? Why do these things have to happen?
My youngin’s are taking the goats especially hard. Since all the new little goat kids were born, the youngin’s have spent alot of time with them. My oldest son had two does who were to deliver any day now. It is heart wrenching to hear my children sob and cry themselves to sleep just so they can try to forget about this madness for a while, if only in their dreams.
As I write this, my husband is still back at the remains of the barn. The flashing lights of the firetrucks are reflecting on my windows. For as long as I live, I know I will forever remember the call at 3AM telling us that the barn was on fire. I never will forget racing down the road to the barns seeing the ball of flames, our barn fully engulfed in flames. That’s when I had that sinking feeling set in and know that there was nothing that could be done. It’s a horrible feeling and I would never wish it on anyone.
I know I have to be thankful that my children are safely tucked in their beds right now, my folks are fine (other than being shaken and extremely worked up) and no humans were physically hurt. It is an extremely cold, windy night so I am thankful that the fire did not spread to the neighboring barns, where hundreds of animals are kept or the pole barn which houses our tractors, equipment, and hay.
I know I should be thankful for so many things, but mainly right now, I’m pissed. I”m so sad. I’m raw inside and I want this to go away.