All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

"Oh, geez, what the hell happened to you, Cheesychick?"

Well, I will just tell you… 

Way back in October, I had the wonderful luck of getting my one front tooth knocked out by our ill mannered pigs.  Yep, that’s the truth. I would not blame those stupid pigs unless they really deserved to be blamed.  There is a little more to the story than what I shared with my immediate family and I’m not going to share the ‘whole’ story with you either.  Let’s just say if I wouldn’t have been cursing at the pigs in the first place, then maybe my mouth would have been closed and just maybe, I would not have gotten my one tooth knocked out.  But that’s just theoretical.  Quite possibly, it was all fate and I was meant to get my tooth knocked out that day and it did not matter how it happened. 

So, to back track a little, when I was 19, I was in another accident and knocked out both my front teeth.  (Are we seeing a pattern here with stupid accidents?) I had to have extensive surgery and two crowns to get the front teeth problem fixed.  The dentist I had at the time was an old dude, something like 114 years old and quite possibly 40 years past retirement but he was cheap.  Remember? I’m all about cheap.  So, for just about 20 years, my teeth looked like this… 

I think that old dude dentist must have been drunk when he put these crowns on!

Yep, for just about 20 years, when I smiled, I had to cock my head so my teeth looked even.  It has always worked out except my youngin’s always are asking me, “Momma, why do you always turn your head like that? You look so stupid.”  We have always been about honesty in this family.

When I had the latest tooth mishap,  I called my new dentist, Tad and he got me in right away.  I call my new dentist by his first name, ‘Tad’, because…well, that’s his name.  My new dentist is a school chum of mine and our friendship history goes back to junior high.  Ever since 7th grade, Tad and I got stuck sitting next to each other because of the alphabetical alignment of our names.  My maiden name was Finkenbinder and his last name is Glossner.  There was this one kid, Brian Foose stuck in between us but let’s not talk about him.  (Sore subject for Cranky)  Anyway, about this friendship, Tad and I were really good friends out of circumstance…we were both geeks.  But not only were we geeks, we clicked as friends.  Back in those days, being a geek was not cool.  It was best to fly under the radar and hope the cool kids in the cliché did not notice you.  If they saw you or you drew attention to yourself, you were toast.  They never relented until you were in the fetal position in the bathroom stall, crying and trying not to breathe the smoke infested air.  Not that I have any experience with this humiliation ever happening to me…it’s just what I heard happened to some people.  (Therapy has helped me deal with some of these repressed emotions, but for the most part, I still have unresolved issues!  Cranky would whole heartily agree.)  

So, that’s why I can’t bring myself to call Tad, “Dr. Glossner”.  It seems so formal between us.  

So, like I was saying before I got sidetracked by my own story, Tad, my old friend and new dentist, got me in right away to see if he could fix my tooth.  Plus, I would have beat him up if he did not get me in the office right away.  It wouldn’t have been the first time that I beat him up and he is still afraid of me after all these years. 

Tad said, “Sure, I can fix you up!  While we are at it, let’s fix these crooked front teeth.  How about two new teeth instead of just that one?  It will only cost you $382,o12.00 for the extra crown.”  

I said, “Sure.”  At least that’s what I think I agreed to.  At that point, he had my mouth crammed full of all these dental appliances, mirrors, gauze, his fingers, his assistant’s fingers, and whatever else he could shove in my mouth cavity to shut me up.  I’m not really certain that “sure” is the exact word that I used that day.  It may or may not have started with a “S”. 

I agreed to crown lengthening surgery which really, really hurt.  Don’t let those people in the dental industry fool you…it hurts like hell. “You’ll just feel a little pinch.”  A little pinch, my ass.  

My gums had to heal in between the crown lengthening surgery and getting my new crowns so Tad gave me temporary front teeth. The only problem was that these temporary teeth were tobacco stained yellow.  He said, “This is the only color we have in the office to make your temporary teeth.”  Yeah, right, Tad.  I somehow think this was your way of getting back at me for something I did to you in junior high. Let it go, Tad, let it go. I thought it was funny, why can’t you find the humor in it? 

For three more weeks, I had to deal with tobacco stained front teeth.  Believe it or not, I just kept my mouth shut for 3 weeks. What? You don’t  believe that?  Get out. 

So, this week, 3 days before Christmas, Tad finally gave me my Christmas wish.  My two new front teeth.  But not before inflicting me with just a little more pain… 

Tad just had to inflict a little more pain on me.

 Isn’t there some code of ethics that dentists must adhere to when inflicting pain?  I’m thinking that the dentist should not enjoy it so much.  Tad called this little procedure, “electrosurge” or something like that.  I personally think he is full of crap and made it up to try to impress me. It sounds like a milking machine to me.  

And they say I have issues?  

But Tad is a good man and he really wants his money, all $382, 012.00 of it so he finally agreed to install my new teeth.  Taaa-daaaahhhh! Here they are. 

Those eight years of schooling paid off for Tad, no?

Tad, I just want to say…I’m so glad that I let you cheat off of me in biology in high school or you never would have become the fine dentist that you are. ( Ha ha ha, he he! I kill me!)

In conclusion of this super long blog about my teeth, I would also like to add that I’m just a simple girl and I only ask for practical things…well, except for the water buffalo. 

All I really wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth. 

P.S. Who out there thinks I should have asked for facial hair wax instead of the two front teeth?  Good gravy…that’s some moustache for a simple girl.

Another P.S. All photos courtesy of Tad…or he may charge me another $382,012.00 if I don’t acknowledge his photography skills.

4 Comments

Filed under Cheesychick (mis)adventures

4 responses to “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

  1. Those new teeth look great! Congrats on getting your Christmas wish.

  2. First I’m thinking “OUCH”!!! and second they look awesome! Glad you got your Christmas wish, too cute!

  3. Two things come to mind – 1) yup, he finally got back at you and you didn’t beat him up for it, you paid for the privilege! and 2) maybe all those years of seeing you tip your head when you smiled so your teeth looked straight inspired Tad to become a dentist. So can you send him a bill for an “inspiration fee”? For perhaps $382,012.00.

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