October 2014 Newsletter

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A guess? Anyone?

Does anyone have any idea what my two youngin’s are doing?

My ten year old is wielding an ax and appears to be chopping ice? All the while, his little sister sits there (in the rain, no less) offering moral support.

So, any idea what they are doing?

Well, shoot. In that photo, it looks the said 10 year old almost chopped his foot off. 

Still can’t figure it out? Does this help?                                                                                                 

Well, I guess this photo doesn’t really help you either.  Other than, those two work well together when they want to get something done.  I bet it’s something really important.            

Oh, yeah, baby! Homemade ice cream is something really important!

Every Sunday, we have a big whompin’ Sunday dinner, in which it takes all day for my momma and myself to prepare and 15 minutes to eat.  We sit down to supper every night as a family (all nine of us) but Sundays…well, that’s the day when there is a huge platter of meat and extra fixin’s on the table. We bless the hands that prepared the food…in reality…that’s everyone in the family because no one is exempt from food production in this family. My blind brother? He can find those tators in the dirt with his hands when we harvest.  My elderly parents? My daddy still plows the ground and my momma churns the butter like nobody’s business. You can bet my youngin’s are not strangers to planting, hoeing weeds and picking beans.  If they want to eat, they better learn to produce the food too. Crankster? Well, let’s just say that he is really good at supervising all food production on this farm!

So, every Sunday in the summer, we have homemade goat’s milk ice cream.  In my opinion, and as much as I love cow’s milk, there is NOTHING like homemade goat’s milk ice cream. It is creamy and so, so rich. It’s just a ritual that we have in the summer.  Every Sunday = goat’s milk ice cream. The flavor of the ice cream changes weekly and is usually seasonal. If the cherries are ripe, then it’s cherry ice cream. Strawberries? You betcha, strawberry ice cream. This past summer, Cranky and I took the canoe to reach some of the blackberries that grew right out over the pond. Some of them fell into the pond (which we retrieved) but heck, no one noticed the taste of pond water that evening when we had blackberry ice cream. 

Homemade ice cream on Sundays is a rare occurence over the winter so when I hollered to the youngin’s to go cut some ice from the pond on Sunday afternoon, I was humored to find these two youngin’s bustin’ their butts to fill the tub with ice.  They had enough ice in there to make about 10 freezers full. There wasn’t any whining or complaining about me treating them like slaves like their normally is.

Them (whining) “But…Momma, why do we have to do it?”

Me (calmly, of course) “Because I collectively housed you in my belly for 36 months and never charged you rent! You do the math, you little twits.  That’s 36 months of rent free accommodations. Three freakin’ years…you terds owe me!” 

Them (complaining) “But…Momma, why do you make us work all the time? 

Me (soothing, of course) “Because I birthed you without so much as an Advil for pain medication for a combined 36 hours of labor for all of you twits. That’s a full work week for some employed folks. YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!”

Them (really trying my patience) “But…Momma, why are you so mean?”

Me (okay, at this point, screaming) “Because I’m married to your father, that’s why! Now, go do your work before I really lose my patience!”

Them (smuggly, of course) “But…Momma, you don’t even own one ounce of patience to lose it in the first place.”

Me (fully engulfed with rage)…just silence. I think the look on my face was sufficient. 

Them(scared silly)…silence from their mouths as well and scurrying away like rats. 

So, the answer to the million dollar question is…

Those little twits are cutting ice for homemade ice cream because the ice is free! And we all know how much I like FREE! And ice cream…I really like ice cream.

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Enough already

If Ronald Reagan was still alive (and hypothetically,  if he ever stood in my living room because you know,  Ronnie and I were like, totally tight.  You know,  like, big time buds?), I know he would stand there, smoke blowing out his ears, reddened face, fist clenched and shaking it into the air, all the while demanding, “CHEESYCHICK, TAKE DOWN YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE!”

Okay…okay, I’m on it.

Geez…I really hate it when an ex dead president gets on my case about my Christmas tree that is STILL up.

Okay, really, it’s not Ronnie who is demanding that I take it down.  Cranky has put his foot down and my kiddos are embarrassed to have friends over because the tree is still up.

I liked it better when I pretended an ex dead president was telling me what to do.

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It’s becoming an obsession and I’m concerned

One fish, two fish, DEAD fish!

So, I’m wondering.  Should I be concerned that all my four little twit children want to do is sit on our frozen pond and ice fish ALL day long?

What is that sitting in the middle of our pond?

That would be my four heathen children, one cousin and their little dog in the middle of our frozen pond…ice fishing.

There they are, four heathen children, one cousin and one little dog in the middle of frozen pond...ice fishing.

What’s wrong with them…seriously?

My oldest twit and little wonder dog sitting on the ice.

Yes, that child is sitting on the ice.  Has he no brain?  Or does choose not to use it?

My third son little twit sitting on the ice.

This boy evidently chooses not to use his brain either.  There must be something wrong with him too?

My second twit son sitting on the ice.

For the love of God, can’t one of them figure out that the ice is freakin’ cold?

Aha! Someone using their brain a little.

Thank you baby girl for using some of your brain cells.  At least there is hope for someone in this family.  But on the other hand, you are sitting on a five gallon bucket on the frozen pond in 20 degree weather trying to catch a fish.  Enough said.  I think you may have inherited the same disease as your brothers have- inability to use their brains for practical reasons.

Success...at last. If you call a fish a success story.

He is the champion, my friend…and he will keep on ice fishing to the end. (please sing this to the tune of  “We are the Champions” by Queen and you will dig it.  JUST DO IT, NOW!)

Okay, now that I have everyone singing, on to our previously scheduled program.

Wait…if I’m slightly deranged, then maybe that’s where my kiddos get their affliction for weirdness from.  Oh, geez…and I always blamed it on Cranky and his family genes.

Aren't these little ice holes cute?

So, I am worried a bit.  My punks love to fish.  They would rather fish than anything else in the world.  They had a chance to get off the farm today to get some culture but they chose to sit on that frozen pond…all day long

I worry when my baby girl fills out her first grade “get to know me” paper and it says she want to be a pro bass fisherwoman on it.  She wants to fish on the pro bass circuit.  When I was in 1st grade, I wanted to be a rodeo clown.  I didn’t even know there was a pro bass circuit when I was in first grade.

More dead fish. Nice.

You know that I am a huge advocate of the “Buy Fresh, Buy Local”  or the zero mile theory with food consumption, right?  Well, if you didn’t know, I am.  And as much as I buy into these well thought out and common sense visions of the ultimate food chain, I would rather buy Mrs. Paul’s frozen fish sticks that came from like, China or some other foreign country, than to sit on my bum on a frozen pond all day trying to catch fish for supper. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the common sense factor here.

"I want to be on the pro bass circuit too."

Great…even the dog’s brain is frozen too.  There has to be an end to this fishing madness.

I guess I could drain the pond.

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It’s still Christmas, right?

I am thinking that it’s time to take down my Christmas tree…

Normally, I keep our Christmas tree up until February (or March or… okay, I have been known to keep it up until July) but considering that the needles are falling off and the ornaments are crashing to the floor, maybe it’s time that I took it down.  Rest assured, I have not turned on the lights for fear of it catching on fire.

Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Or the next day.

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All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

"Oh, geez, what the hell happened to you, Cheesychick?"

Well, I will just tell you… 

Way back in October, I had the wonderful luck of getting my one front tooth knocked out by our ill mannered pigs.  Yep, that’s the truth. I would not blame those stupid pigs unless they really deserved to be blamed.  There is a little more to the story than what I shared with my immediate family and I’m not going to share the ‘whole’ story with you either.  Let’s just say if I wouldn’t have been cursing at the pigs in the first place, then maybe my mouth would have been closed and just maybe, I would not have gotten my one tooth knocked out.  But that’s just theoretical.  Quite possibly, it was all fate and I was meant to get my tooth knocked out that day and it did not matter how it happened. 

So, to back track a little, when I was 19, I was in another accident and knocked out both my front teeth.  (Are we seeing a pattern here with stupid accidents?) I had to have extensive surgery and two crowns to get the front teeth problem fixed.  The dentist I had at the time was an old dude, something like 114 years old and quite possibly 40 years past retirement but he was cheap.  Remember? I’m all about cheap.  So, for just about 20 years, my teeth looked like this… 

I think that old dude dentist must have been drunk when he put these crowns on!

Yep, for just about 20 years, when I smiled, I had to cock my head so my teeth looked even.  It has always worked out except my youngin’s always are asking me, “Momma, why do you always turn your head like that? You look so stupid.”  We have always been about honesty in this family.

When I had the latest tooth mishap,  I called my new dentist, Tad and he got me in right away.  I call my new dentist by his first name, ‘Tad’, because…well, that’s his name.  My new dentist is a school chum of mine and our friendship history goes back to junior high.  Ever since 7th grade, Tad and I got stuck sitting next to each other because of the alphabetical alignment of our names.  My maiden name was Finkenbinder and his last name is Glossner.  There was this one kid, Brian Foose stuck in between us but let’s not talk about him.  (Sore subject for Cranky)  Anyway, about this friendship, Tad and I were really good friends out of circumstance…we were both geeks.  But not only were we geeks, we clicked as friends.  Back in those days, being a geek was not cool.  It was best to fly under the radar and hope the cool kids in the cliché did not notice you.  If they saw you or you drew attention to yourself, you were toast.  They never relented until you were in the fetal position in the bathroom stall, crying and trying not to breathe the smoke infested air.  Not that I have any experience with this humiliation ever happening to me…it’s just what I heard happened to some people.  (Therapy has helped me deal with some of these repressed emotions, but for the most part, I still have unresolved issues!  Cranky would whole heartily agree.)  

So, that’s why I can’t bring myself to call Tad, “Dr. Glossner”.  It seems so formal between us.  

So, like I was saying before I got sidetracked by my own story, Tad, my old friend and new dentist, got me in right away to see if he could fix my tooth.  Plus, I would have beat him up if he did not get me in the office right away.  It wouldn’t have been the first time that I beat him up and he is still afraid of me after all these years. 

Tad said, “Sure, I can fix you up!  While we are at it, let’s fix these crooked front teeth.  How about two new teeth instead of just that one?  It will only cost you $382,o12.00 for the extra crown.”  

I said, “Sure.”  At least that’s what I think I agreed to.  At that point, he had my mouth crammed full of all these dental appliances, mirrors, gauze, his fingers, his assistant’s fingers, and whatever else he could shove in my mouth cavity to shut me up.  I’m not really certain that “sure” is the exact word that I used that day.  It may or may not have started with a “S”. 

I agreed to crown lengthening surgery which really, really hurt.  Don’t let those people in the dental industry fool you…it hurts like hell. “You’ll just feel a little pinch.”  A little pinch, my ass.  

My gums had to heal in between the crown lengthening surgery and getting my new crowns so Tad gave me temporary front teeth. The only problem was that these temporary teeth were tobacco stained yellow.  He said, “This is the only color we have in the office to make your temporary teeth.”  Yeah, right, Tad.  I somehow think this was your way of getting back at me for something I did to you in junior high. Let it go, Tad, let it go. I thought it was funny, why can’t you find the humor in it? 

For three more weeks, I had to deal with tobacco stained front teeth.  Believe it or not, I just kept my mouth shut for 3 weeks. What? You don’t  believe that?  Get out. 

So, this week, 3 days before Christmas, Tad finally gave me my Christmas wish.  My two new front teeth.  But not before inflicting me with just a little more pain… 

Tad just had to inflict a little more pain on me.

 Isn’t there some code of ethics that dentists must adhere to when inflicting pain?  I’m thinking that the dentist should not enjoy it so much.  Tad called this little procedure, “electrosurge” or something like that.  I personally think he is full of crap and made it up to try to impress me. It sounds like a milking machine to me.  

And they say I have issues?  

But Tad is a good man and he really wants his money, all $382, 012.00 of it so he finally agreed to install my new teeth.  Taaa-daaaahhhh! Here they are. 

Those eight years of schooling paid off for Tad, no?

Tad, I just want to say…I’m so glad that I let you cheat off of me in biology in high school or you never would have become the fine dentist that you are. ( Ha ha ha, he he! I kill me!)

In conclusion of this super long blog about my teeth, I would also like to add that I’m just a simple girl and I only ask for practical things…well, except for the water buffalo. 

All I really wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth. 

P.S. Who out there thinks I should have asked for facial hair wax instead of the two front teeth?  Good gravy…that’s some moustache for a simple girl.

Another P.S. All photos courtesy of Tad…or he may charge me another $382,012.00 if I don’t acknowledge his photography skills.

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My organization skills rock.

Do ya’ll know what this is?

It’s a twisted, mutilated, tangled mess of Christmas lights that has caused my nerves to tingle and twitch.

Sooooo glad that I put the lights away properly after taking down last year’s Christmas tree.  I am soooo happy about this ball of lights, I could just puke.  Bring on the holidays.

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